Let’s face it, someone is always a little disappointed on Christmas morning because his gift list wasn’t completely filled, but we just might be able to make them feel better if we offer our list of items compiled from our favorite catalog of impractical whatchamacallits for next year.
How about some Mongolian fur-lined moccasins?
Hand sewn, lined with genuine Mongolian (really!) shearling lining, and you can wear them year-round, ‘cause Mongolian sheep are tough customers. Just eighty bucks a pair.
If you wanna have a little fun and maybe scare the stuffin’ out of trespassers in your swimming pool, just install your own Pool Guarding Gator. He’s three feet long, but a phony who looks very real, with his leathery skin and beady red flashing eyes, wandering all over the pool, with his hinged three-part body reacting to every little wave and looking very alive indeed.
(Maybe you could call him “Fang” and drop his name in casual conversation with the neighborhood kids – of all ages.) Including batteries, this ugly customer costs only $39.95
We haven’t forgotten your favorite “Trekkies”. Begin with fuzzy slippers for everyone, with their choice of the Chewbacca, Yoda, or Darth Vader models. Each slipper bears an appropriate 3-D image in full color, just $19.95 per pair, and Cool! Cool! Cool!
Tickle the fancies of other Trekkies with the 9 1/2 inch tall R2-D2 coffee press, and it’s for real, with plunger, filter and easy-pour spout. Brew 32 ounces at a time in this dead ringer for everyone’s favorite droid. It has a dishwasher safe internal glass carafe for easy cleaning, too! A real steal at only $39.95.
Non-Trekkies might like something from way, way out in left field – or maybe left ocean.
It’s the fourteen inch tall desktop/bookshelf Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium, internally-lighted, complete with two colored realistic replica jellyfish lazily swimming up and down, back and forth in the current internally generated while their subdued colors automatically and randomly change from aquamarine to purple to yellow to red. Or you can select just one color. Just plug it in, turn it on, tune in, and drop out or sit back and enjoy, and just in case it gets so hypnotic that you nod off for a short snooze, there’s a manual turnoff, and an automated one after four hours just in case you forget.
All this pleasure and tranquility can be yours for only $89.95.
Now for the piece de resistance!
If you’re the adventurous type, have we got a selection for you!
Check out the Flying All-terrain Vehicle – and it’s absolutely for real.
Here’s “an FAA-certified special light-sport aircraft (we’re quoting, here) fused within a rugged military-grade all-terrain vehicle”.
Approved for ground and flight engines, it sports an 89 horsepower two-cylinder engine yielding a top speed of 75mph on land, with a double wishbone suspension for high speed maneuverability, and requiring only a 500 foot runway to become airborne via the attachable 38 inch parawing. The four cylinder flight engine gives115 horsepower, driving the four bladed propeller which can get you and a guest (yep; two person payload) up to 10,000 feet altitude at 45 mph, steered by retractable foot pedals.
There’s even an intuitive flight system which includes a throttle quadrant (whatever that is) for climbing and descending. But remember, you need to have a Sport Pilot License, and they supply an 800 number where you’ll learn the full qualifications.
If you haven’t lost your nerve yet, maybe you’d better consider the cost, which is $139,000.00.
If the price seems a little stiff, possibly you can settle for one-upping your neighbors next year with an 18 feet tall Frosty The Snowman in your front yard. With its self-contained kaleidoscopic light show, an eight foot candy cane, corncob pipe, his big smile and his stovepipe hat, Frosty inflates in just minutes with his built-in electric air pump and is a real showstopper for kids of ages through snow, wind and sun. An almost-reasonable (?) $399.95.
So there you are – a varied choice for next Christmas, and now that you have some selections to make, all you need do is hang up your stocking and wait for Santa.
Don’t forget to leave him the cookies and milk.
After seeing this list, he’s going to need them.
— Newton columnist Mike Morton writes weekly for the Kansan. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org