In the interest of the public’s right to know, and since our wastebasket is already overflowing, we hereby submit a sampling of local news items that didn’t quite make it past the editor.
Item: February 4.
* For the upcoming gala observation of the Amateur Inventors’ Creativity Awards, to be held at the Town Hall this coming Friday afternoon, an invitation has been sent to Harmon L. Blottinger, who lost a finger while winding the spring in his attempt to build a better groundhog trap.
You may address your congratulations or condolences to Harmon, temporarily residing at Room 321, Sisters of the Benign Charity Hospital.
Witnesses to the incident have not been able to locate the missing finger, but their search continues.
Item: March 2.
* Friends and relatives are requested to meet at the clubhouse to demonstrate their solidarity by signing a sympathy card to be sent to Hepatica-Marie Flushwanger, who composed the new anthem for the Daughters of the North Side Freedom Sorority, only to withdraw both words and music when the judges decided it sounded better when played backwards.
Ms. Flushwanger’s comments on their verdict cannot be reproduced here, as this is a family publication.
Item: March 23.
* Myron Elminger, formerly a resident of Greenlawn Rest Home and Sanatorium has recently been released from the State Penitentiary, where he had been held overnight pending charges for impersonating Arnold Schwartzennegger.
His attempt was unmasked when he was required to identify himself at the Registration Desk and disrobed for his Pre-admission physical exam. The Warden immediately noticed that Myron weighs only 136 pounds, and has eight toes on his left foot (three more than Arnold).
When asked why he attempted the deception, he said, “It was just for fun, and besides, I needed a place to stay, since my wife kicked me out of the house for trimming my toenails in the dining room.”
Item: May 22.
* It has been reported by reliable sources that Chauncey L. Worthingski, Chief Executive Officer of Chuck’s Small Appliance Repair Shop, Recycling Plant, and Eco-Green Home and Garden Center has decided not to hire job applicant Maizie Phluff, ex-confidential secretary to our now-retired Mayor. (The Mayor mentioned that he wasn’t completely serious when he hired her because he doesn’t really need a secretary, and his wife was getting suspicious anyway.)
Mr. and Mrs. Worthinski have reconciled, and anyone who knows a dependable Crane Operator is requested to contact Chuck, as Maizie’s job is still open.
Item: June 18
* Hobbyist Edgar Throckwhistle III is recovering at home following the collapse of the gazebo he had personally constructed in his back yard for the occasion of the wedding uniting his eldest daughter Eugenie and her fiancé Wallace Fickledon.
Eugenie and Wallace intend to complete their vows when Edgar recovers consciousness, and if Wallace decides he still wants to go through with it.
The wedding gifts are being held unopened, pending the possible completion of their nuptials, which remains in doubt.
Item: July 7.
* Eight year old Bobby Johnson reported to police that his Pit Bull, Godzilla, has been missing for two days now, and Bobby wants him back since he needs the protection from neighborhood bullies and things that go bump in the night when he’s all alone in bed.
Bobby maintains that Godzilla is usually quite tame, except with strangers, street gangs, and any adult wearing a uniform.
Police have deduced from Bobby and his father’s information that Godzilla bolted from their back yard when the family fireworks all went off at once, due to unfortunate handling of a piece of punk, and bad aim.
Late Bulletin: Godzilla has been located by Boy Scout Troop 327, whimpering under the back porch of the Widow Brown’s house in Greenville, eight miles away.
Item: Aug. 2.
* E. J. Enster, current owner of the E & J Saddle Shop has announced a Going Out Of Business Sale to be held Friday through Sunday, Aug. 10, 11 and 12.
The E & J Shop has been a longtime fixture in the business community, supplying equestrian furnishings to the surrounding area since 1884, when his grandfather, known as “Old Buck”, established the business on Main Street, where it still stands.
Business hours for this final sale are from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. daily, and Elroy reports that he will retire following the sale of his final item, four hundred and twelve brand new buggy whips.
This report will be continued some other time, if we’re desperate enough.
— Freelance Columnist Mike Morton writes weekly for the Kansan. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Mike’s book, “On The Loose Collection, Volume One” is on sale in Newton at the Kansan, 121 W. 6th St., and at Anderson’s Book & Office Supply, 627 N. Main St.