This totally fictional play takes place in a brothel in Bogotá, Colombia. About a dozen square-jawed, beefy men wearing dark-colored suits periodically talk into radios concealed in their sleeves. They are all members of the U.S. Secret Service, tasked to protect the president.

This totally fictional play takes place in a brothel in Bogotá, Colombia. About a dozen square-jawed, beefy men wearing dark-colored suits periodically talk into radios concealed in their sleeves. They are all members of the U.S. Secret Service, tasked to protect the president. It is hot in the lobby and dimly lit. Agents sit in armchairs and on sofas, drinking rum and tequila, accompanied by scantily clad women.


Yogi the Bear: What’s your 20, Delta One?


Delta One: On station at the ranch. All nominal.


Yogi the Bear: What status of Renegade?


Delta One: In quarters with Renaissance.


Yogi the Bear: I have no visual on anyone at the outer perimeter. What status, please?


Delta One: All but package unit are standing down at the ranch.


Yogi the Bear. What about Unit 2?


Delta One: In position at ranch.


Yogi the Bear. That’s unacceptable. Go to Tact One, Channel One.


(Delta One switches this radio to a new frequency that is encrypted.)


Yogi the Bear.  Round up these guys and get them out with the package ASAP.


Delta One. Roger that, Bear. Units 2 and 3, and Rover, report on station ASAP.


(Agents hurriedly put down their drinks, get up from their chairs and disengage themselves from their female drinking companions.)


Yogi the Bear. What is your 20, Delta One?


Delta One: At the ranch with remainder of Package Two.


Yogi the Bear. Depart ranch and report to Command Center. Deploy all personnel ASAP to package and give me a SITREP in five minutes.


Delta One: Roger that.


(Agents rush about, check their hand guns and re-holster them. Other men place automatic weapons underneath their raincoats and hurry out the door. One agent stumbles around trying to put on his shirt as others continue to rush out the door. A female agent Skylark rushes in, finds Delta One and runs over to talk to him.)


Skylark: We can’t find the football.


Delta One: What do you mean, can’t find the football. Where is he?


Skylark: He’s not responding to radio.


Delta One: Search every room. How difficult is he to find? Just look for a guy handcuffed to a briefcase instead of a bedpost.


(Skylark rushes out of the lobby but returns in a minute.)


Skylark: We found him, but the briefcase with the nuclear launch codes is missing.


Delta One: Yogi the Bear, we have a problem.


Yogi the Bear: What problem?


Delta One: The football is missing.


Yogi the Bear: Couldn’t be worse. Get every available personnel and the dogs. We’re talking World War III if this falls into the wrong hands.


Delta One: Copy that Bear. All personnel go to Red One.


(Dozens of agents appear from stage left and flow onto the stage.)


Delta One: Look everywhere. It must be here someplace.


Skylark: We found it under the sofa in the corner.


Delta One: Yogi Bear, football in custody, All nominal.


Yogi Bear: Roger that. Turn over command to Skylark and report to Command ASAP.


(Delta One reluctantly begins to disconnect his command radio unit)


Delta One: OK, Skylark. It’s all yours. Good luck with these guys. You’re going to need it.


Skylark:  I can’t resist pulling a Mae West. Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?


Delta One: That’s the problem. We all have guns in our pockets.


Skylark: Copy that.


Peter Costa is a columnist for GateHouse Media. His latest collection of humor columns, “Outrageous CostaLiving,” is available at amazon.com