KNEPPER — Personal quotes: From the silly to the practical

I’m constantly seeking to coin a phrase that might one day provide a legacy to my contributions in society.

It’s been an ongoing process during a number of years, dating back to high school when I was known for saying, “Whoa,” at most any situation.

Luckily, I’ve grown past those days, when people looked at me strangely for reciting single- syllable sayings.

They still look at me strangely, but today, it’s for a number of other reasons.

Anyway, I’ve amassed several personal quotes — sometimes adding new ones more than once during a typical day.

There was the time I smashed my forehead with a flying hammer, causing a concussion.

But, “!$@#%%@$%^$#^ ... OUCH!!” didn’t seem like something anyone would remember to say until they also were traumatized by flying hardware.

Another phrase that never really caught on was, “Huh?”

On numerous occasions I relied on it when I wanted to make sure I really heard my wife correctly.

My wife: “I thought you were going to dump the grass clippings.”

Me: “Huh?”

While other wives may believe the phrase was adopted by their spouses, I honestly can’t take credit for it.

For all I know, my dad actually was it’s originator.

In the course of a typical workweek, I often rely on phrases to indicate excitement, achievement or when trying to remain politically correct in conversation.

“My goal for mass chaos is nearly complete,” I’ve said countless times, when I see the eyes of co-workers glazing over after a difficult day.

I’m including a cross-section of a few other phrases I may not have coined, but used during the years.

In some cases, I still use them.

“You won’t have me to kick around, anymore.”

“I have a sitcom mind in a reality television world.”

“Directions? I don’t need directions. I know exactly where we’re at.”

“Make yourself right at home, and feel free to vacuum the floor.”

“I love snakes — especially in boot form.”

“If only my train of thought had a caboose.”

“I went to the school of hard knocks. It might help explain why I’m like I am.”

“Meals like this are why I’m a recipient of the Cast Iron Stomach award.”

“Even if (insert politician’s name here) had a brain, he would just take it out and play with it.”

“There are days when I wonder why I even bother coming to work, but then I remember — it’s because I’m paid.”

“When life dishes up some sour grapes, do like I do. Mash them and hope they ferment, quickly.”

“I never get tired of hearing that … Okay, that’s a lie.”

“Now I know why some animals eat their young.”

“If we were ducks, you’d save us …”

“At times like this, I’m reminded of a great philosopher, who said, ‘Are you serious?’”

“I’m not afraid of flying. I’m just afraid of the feeling one gets when he is tumbling to the ground from 6,000 feet.”

“Sometimes, I just want to pinch myself in hopes of awakening from this nightmare.”

I even managed to think of a new one while working on my column:

“One of these days, I’m going to fool everyone by getting my work done on time.”

Ken Knepper is publisher of The Newton Kansan. He can be contacted at kenneth.knepper@thekansan.com.