Spherical? Yep. A nobrainer whichever way you look at it, so let’s get it over with.
It’s a medical fact that brain cells are the only human cells that don’t regenerate, and we’re offering proof.
All we need do is check the laws in effect in certain areas.
They’re all real enforceable laws, but they seem to lack a certain something – like logic.
You have to wonder what some of those lawmakers had in mind – if they had one.
Start with Chicago, where it’s against the law to eat in a place that’s on fire (where they also say ‘If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen’).
Moving along, we check Tennessee, where it’s illegal to drive your car while you’re asleep. (In spite of what you can see almost every day just about anywhere.)
Also in Tennessee, it’s illegal to shoot game other than whales from your moving car – even if you can find one there.
You’d have the same likelihood of breaking the law in Marshalltown, Iowa, where it’s frowned upon to let your horse eat a fire hydrant. (Honest! It’s on the books.)
In California, it’s against the law to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard (just one more reason they call it La La Land).
And while we’re speaking of animals, in Atlanta, Georgia, you can’t tie your giraffe to a telephone pole or a lamp post.
Try and figure out the folks in Macomb, Illinois, who won’t let your car try to impersonate a wolf. (That’s right – your car! They don’t say how that can be accomplished, but, even if you know how, you’d better not try, anyway.)
In Hartford Connecticut, it’s illegal to kiss your wife on a Sunday, in Kentucky, it’s illegal to marry the same man four times (you’d think they’d have learned their lesson after Number Three), and in San Francisco, there’s an ordinance that says you can’t pick up and rethrow used confetti.
Back in the animal world, we find that in Washington, D.C., it’s against the law to catch fish while on horseback, and in International Falls, Minnesota, it’s illegal for a cat to chase a dog up a telephone pole. No, you didn’t read that backwards. That’s exactly what they forbid.
No matter how much you want to give him a treat, in Maryland, it’s an infraction to take your lion to the theater (But that’s okay. He doesn’t like popcorn anyway).
Y’ know, as we find more and more of these laws, it makes us wonder: Have these laws been enacted by some of the folks we elected? If so, why did we elect these loonies anyway? – and how many times have otherwise rational people been caught breaking the law so flagrantly? - and why aren’t they living in rubber rooms?
I guess we’ll never know.
Still, the law is the law, and that long arm can reach out and grab you any old time, like – in Brawley, California, where they banned snow from falling. Not everywhere; just within the city limits.
If you happen to be a property owner in Rumford, Maine, you can relax. There, it’s illegal to bite your landlord.
It won’t affect you, of course, but you’ll be happy to know that in Fairbanks, Alaska it’s illegal for two moose to have sex on city sidewalks,
Anyone who is found under the sidewalk in Florida is guilty of a misdemeanor. (And they’ll probably want to know how you did it.)
Hungry? Be careful; in New Jersey, you’ll be risking jail if you slurp your soup!
And finally, if you can figure this one out, it’ll be safe to move to Texas, where the law specifically states that when two trains meet at a railroad crossing, each must come to a complete stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
Well, now. Armed with all this vital information, you’re free to travel our fair but sometimes lopsided country confident that you can do so legally – I think.
On the other hand, should you get cited for an infraction, try and do a little better than the defendant who was asked,
Q. “And where was the location of the accident?”
A. “Approximately milepost 499.”
Q. “And where is milepost 499?”
A. “Probably between Milepost 498 and Milepost 500.”
— Newton columnist Mike Morton writes weekly for the Kansan. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org