It’s never too early to begin choosing where to go on your vacation. It’s serious business, because you’re looking for fun which you won’t find by visiting Aunt Aggie and Uncle Fred on the farm where you’ll probably wind up helping with the milking before they’ll let you in the house for dinner.

No sir. Like most folks, you’re looking forward to some serious relaxing, some "let it all hang out" time, a chance to get away from the everyday routine and do something different with maybe a little excitement included.

Well, now, if you’re toying with the idea of going global, we have a few suggestions.

We’ll quote directly from some websites that tell it like it is, so you can make up your mind about some vacation sites that might make you think twice before you leave home.

(The more adventurous types among us are gonna love this!)

* Come To Columbia!

Here’s what their tourist brochure says:

“Anywhere that illicit drugs are cultivated in Columbia is a dangerous zone. To get to any of these areas, you’d have to go off the beaten path and avoid everyone’s local advice.

You’re unlikely to just stumble across a coca field. So forget about that point.” That’s what they tell you at Paisatours.com, so if you’d been looking forward to picking mangos and bananas off the trees, look somewhere else.

* Come To Russia? (well, maybe)

Svezhy Veter Agency says “In most parts of Russia, a tourist is a great rarity, and speaking to one is not always that easy psychologically.” (If you decide to go there anyway, it might be wise to first figure out what the heck they just told you, and it may be handy to take along a translator and a psychiatrist.)

* Globalbushtratour.com suggests Come to Cameroon! “Cameroon is a real paradise for animals in the world. Forest and rivers full of funny gorillas are waiting for your visits.” (While Cameroon is apparently the home of the world’s only standup gorillas, your first move might be finding out just where Cameroon is! Then, let the good times roll.)

* Since we all know where Mongolia is, check in with Blue Mongolia Tour, and they’ll tell you that “It is better to avoid dogs, even ones which appear tame, and take caution if offered marmot meat.” (This should not pose a problem, as few of us members of the Save The Marmot Club are going there anyway.)

* In Nepal, we might be able to catch a glimpse of Mount Everest, but you’ll discover that the Nepalese are a lot more restless than they look, since the India Invites website informs us that “Public demonstrations and strikes are popular forms of political expression in Nepal and may occur on short notice. Travelers are requested to stay at the most prominent areas where no untoward incidents have taken place – so far.” (So far? Well, just show up and wait for the rebellion to catch up to you. Maybe you can see Mount Everest after they calm down.)

* Come To Iran! Here, UpPersia.com asks, “Do you want to travel to Iran but still doubt it?” (That’s putting it mildly. If you should decide to give Iran a try, it might be wise to pack any bulletproof clothing you may happen to own. If you have none, get some!)

* Checking with Latviatravel.com, you get the straight-from-the-shoulder statement that “For travelers, the best thing about Latvia is that it is so compact.” (Apparently Latvians don’t talk to strangers, because that’s the only ‘attraction’ mentioned in their complete statement.)

Of course, foreign travel always makes a vacation a little more interesting, but we don’t have to go through all that airport hassle and passport rituals to find excitement.

Stay at home. Leave the exotic vacations to someone else and check out the good ol’ USA, where the website at Smarttraveller.gov.au, a government operated website, tells us that “Many parts of the United States are subject to earthquakes, wildfires, floods, extreme heat, hurricanes, mudslides, landslides,, thunderstorms and lightning, tornados, tsunamis, volcanos, freezing rain, heavy snow and blizzards, and extreme cold.”

There you go. An All-American vacation with never a dull moment and no mention of an airline to lose your suitcase. Book your reservations early to avoid the stampede.

Or maybe you’d rather just go fishing down at the creek.

 

 

— Newton columnist Mike Morton writes weekly for the Kansan. He can be reached at m24r24fm8445@att.net

It’s never too early to begin choosing where to go on your vacation. It’s serious business, because you’re looking for fun which you won’t find by visiting Aunt Aggie and Uncle Fred on the farm where you’ll probably wind up helping with the milking before they’ll let you in the house for dinner.
 No sir. Like most folks, you’re looking forward to some serious relaxing, some ‘let it all hang out’ time, a chance to get away from the everyday routine and do something different with maybe a little excitement included.
 Well, now, if you’re toying with the idea of going global, we have a few suggestions.
 We’ll quote directly from some websites that tell it like it is, so you can make up your mind about some vacation sites that might make you think twice before you leave home.
 (The more adventurous types among us are gonna love this!)
* Come To Columbia!
 Here’s what their tourist brochure says:
“Anywhere that illicit drugs are cultivated in Columbia is a dangerous zone. To get to any of these areas, you’d have to go off the beaten path and avoid everyone’s local advice.
You’re unlikely to just stumble across a coca field. So forget about that point.” That’s what they tell you at Paisatours.com, so if you’d been looking forward to picking mangos and bananas off the trees, look somewhere else.
* Come To Russia? (well, maybe)
 Svezhy Veter Agency says “In most parts of Russia, a tourist is a great rarity, and speaking to one is not always that easy psychologically.” (If you decide to go there anyway, it might be wise to first figure out what the heck they just told you, and it may be handy to take along a translator and a psychiatrist.)
* Globalbushtratour.com suggests Come to Cameroon! “Cameroon is a real paradise for animals in the world. Forest and rivers full of funny gorillas are waiting for your visits.” (While Cameroon is apparently the home of the world’s only standup gorillas, your first move might be finding out just where Cameroon is! Then, let the good times roll.)
* Since we all know where Mongolia is, check in with Blue Mongolia Tour, and they’ll tell you that “It is better to avoid dogs, even ones which appear tame, and take caution if offered marmot meat.” (This should not pose a problem, as few of us members of the Save The Marmot Club are going there anyway.)
* In Nepal, we might be able to catch a glimpse of Mount Everest, but you’ll discover that the Nepalese are a lot more restless than they look, since the India Invites website informs us that “Public demonstrations and strikes are popular forms of political expression in Nepal and may occur on short notice. Travelers are requested to stay at the most prominent areas where no untoward incidents have taken place – so far.” (So far? Well, just show up and wait for the rebellion to catch up to you. Maybe you can see Mount Everest after they calm down.)
* Come To Iran! Here, UpPersia.com asks, “Do you want to travel to Iran but still doubt it?” (That’s putting it mildly. If you should decide to give Iran a try, it might be wise to pack any bulletproof clothing you may happen to own. If you have none, get some!)
* Checking with Latviatravel.com, you get the straight-from-the-shoulder statement that “For travelers, the best thing about Latvia is that it is so compact.” (Apparently Latvians don’t talk to strangers, because that’s the only ‘attraction’ mentioned in their complete statement.)
 Of course, foreign travel always makes a vacation a little more interesting, but we don’t have to go through all that airport hassle and passport rituals to find excitement.
 Stay at home. Leave the exotic vacations to someone else and check out the good ol’ USA, where the website at Smarttraveller.gov.au, a government operated website, tells us that “Many parts of the United States are subject to earthquakes, wildfires, floods, extreme heat, hurricanes, mudslides, landslides,, thunderstorms and lightning, tornados, tsunamis, volcanos, freezing rain, heavy snow and blizzards, and extreme cold.”
 There you go. An All-American vacation with never a dull moment and no mention of an airline to lose your suitcase. Book your reservations early to avoid the stampede.
 Or maybe you’d rather just go fishing down at the creek.
 
 
Freelance Columnist Mike Morton writes weekly for the Kansan.
He can be reached at m24r24fm8445@att.net