Oh, unbounded bliss! There’s good, good news today for all you dedicated bodybuilders out there, because your wildest and most ambitious dreams are about to come true.
You too can have that physique of a Greek God you so desperately desire as we are now happily in a position to offer you the body of a lifetime with our Torso-Terrific ‘GX III’ Home Spa Exerciser (unofficially known as the Nirvana Model), which our company, Canard, Inc. just received in its final and perfected form from world-famous inventor and entrepreneur Dr. Fessledown Fratzendorf’s former basement laboratory.
After intensive armchair research and at least nine days of development Dr. Fratzendorf conceived and assembled this fabulous invention from specialized units, semisecret knowledge and unusual talents known to only a few, resulting in the most unique appliance known to history, superseding all known Elliptical and other exercise machines, now obsolete thanks to the unconventional and amazingly efficient approach currently available to the public exclusively with this offer
Clandestinely assembled in his laboratory for eighteen years while the U. S. Patent Office tried to decipher its many secret and unique aspects, and with revolutionary elements individually and secretly garnered from around the world (since assembled, they would have been impossible to get across the border), the Super-Special Sweat’em GX-III Exerciser is now available on a limited basis to the select few who possess unlimited resources and are fanatically dedicated to the enhancement and welfare of their bodies so they can impress themselves or other naïve health fanatics.
Incredibly, our intensive research has culminated in this unbelievably efficient SSSE, an exercise machine which combines all the features of every competing machine available today or at any time in the future, including twenty seven distinct functions, thereby intensely exercising every muscle in the human body in only eight and a half minutes a day.
And, for only a comparative pittance, you can order the Extra-Super-Special Sweat’em Exerciser Deluxe GX-IV Model, which will also crack walnuts, cashews and coconuts and at 5:30 p.m. every day will mix your favorite cocktail (canapes are extra).
As an added bonus, the first eight hundred purchases will include an autographed limited edition of Dr. Feelgood’s Private Cookbook, featuring 211 recipes for Trail Mix, 103 for Blender Cocktails (with the Doctor’s special formula for couscous canape wafers), 402 Kale Salads, 89 for Turnip Turnovers, 27 for Sorghum Flapjacks (with or without nuts, raisins and prunes), and his prize-winning dessert, Vegan Bonanza.
As a Super Special Bonus, your order will also include at no extra charge twenty four months of free-range vegetables at Lefty Gronk’s Natural Meatless Food Market, located just three quarters of a mile north of the Incarceration Exit, just West of Leavenworth.
Act now! Enjoy the many free and ego-building benefits!
Indian wrestle competitively with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s standin! Spar with Mike Tyson when he’s completed his Community Service obligations! Challenge William F. Buckley to a battle of wits! Pose tricky trivia questions to Alex Trebek!
Be the envy of your neighbors! Impress girls! Wow the chicks and intimidate bullies at the beach!
These are just a few of the ways your life will improve with your very own Super-Special Sweat-em Exerciser GX-III or GX-IV.
Just minutes a day will transform your physique and transport you to a level of life you’ve never known!
Best of all, you can have this fabulous machine for your very own exclusive use with no pesky monthly payments.
Just send us only $19.95, plus shipping and handling fees of $243,721, with super-pronto special delivery also available for only an additional three dollars and forty two cents.
Send your order to Lotsa Loot Incorporated, 234 Incognito Lane, Villa Sub Rosa, Pitcairn Island.
And if you have any money left over send that along, too.
Sorry, no C.O.D, no Money Orders, no Checks; cash only (Krugerrands preferred).
Orders will be shipped as received, or as soon as we can evade the postal authorities, but order immediately as we plan to leave town as soon as we can empty our Swiss bank account.
This offer void where prohibited – which is almost everywhere.
— Newton Freelance Columnist Mike Morton writes weekly for the Kansan. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org