If you have a blank space on your schedule with a couple of minutes to fill, we can resolve that dilemma for you with the following. It may prove better than nothing, and then again … Besides, since nobody else seems willing to take the responsibility, we feel it is our solemn duty to lighten up a little and try to regain our tenuous grip on reality (if we have any left), so sit back, relax, and prepare your sanity for yet another assault. Today’s offerings have been gleaned from a wide variety of sources, most of which share a common factor – they specifically insisted on remaining anonymous if I know what’s good for me, so I’m playing it safe. Those few who have been quoted are not available for comment for obvious reasons, and while some of these items are pearls of wisdom, some are food for thought, and some are simple observations on life nowadays, a few are virtually pointless, so be ready for anything.* Dear Algebra. Please stop asking us to find your X. She’s never coming back, and don’t ask Y.* Ammo is expensive. Don’t expect a warning shot.* I try to be a nice person, but sometimes my mouth doesn’t cooperate.* For someone who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel I should be having a lot more fun.* My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance that needs work.* We were all immigrants once.* Ask your doctor if medical advice from a television commercial is right for you. We’ll take a moment here to catch our breath and point out that every now and then we come across one or two of these little homilies that may be worth posting on your refrigerator. Then again, maybe not, but one thing is certain. Once I’ve got them off my chest, the rest is up to you, and if you have reached this far in your quest for increased knowledge and wisdom, don’t despair. Hang in there. There’s gotta be some in there somewhere. Gotta be.* I feel a sin coming on.* I finally got my head together. Now it’s my body that’s falling apart.* Buckle up. That makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car.* Don’t believe everything you think.* If you can’t operate your turn signal, what makes you think you can operate the rest of the car?  If you started out with good intentions and have now begun to feel desperate, don’t give up just yet. There’s not that much farther to go, and there’s still a chance to find something worthwhile. Besides – it’s too early for your coffee break. * I’ll grow my own food as soon as I can find some bacon seeds.* You wouldn’t worry what people think of you if you knew how seldom they do. Eleanor Roosevelt.* 20/20 hindsight gives you a clearer yesterday tomorrow.* I’ve still got it – I just can’t remember where I left it.* Not all who wander are lost.* Where are we going – and why am I in this handbasket?* Never test how deep the water is with both feet. And to end things on a possibly reasonable note – at last – it was Ben Franklin who said “Fake quotes will ruin the internet”. And if he didn’t, he should have.  So there you go. We took care of that empty couple of minutes and it didn’t hurt a bit. Well, not much, unless you count bruises and contusions to your finer sensibilities. At this point, and since your stamina is no longer in question, we are left with just one remaining observation. When a person thinks about these whatchamacallits – and sometimes people do – there is a mystery connected with such stuff, and it’s this. While we can assume that people actually get paid for thinking up these snippets of dubious semi-intelligence, we always arrive at the obvious conclusion; namely, how do those people manage to stay out of the loony bin?
 And since they do, why can’t I get a job like that?                                                    — Freelance Columnist Mike Morton writes weekly for the Kansan. He can be reached at m24r24fm8445@att.net. Mike’s book, “On The Loose Collection, Volume One” is on sale in Newton at the Kansan, 121 W. 6th St., and at Anderson’s Book & Office Supply, 627 N. Main St.