Your Perfect Child

Preparing for a baby is an exciting time, but it can also become a stressful time. Helping older siblings to prepare for a new family member requires thoughtful planning to minimize sibling rivalry, jealousy and ensure your newborn’s safety. When I was expecting my third child I spoke with my very wise  pediatrician about how older siblings handle a new baby. He strongly urged all parents to be patient, thoughtful and considerate of their child’s feelings, as some may feel that they are being replaced or less valued. He said that we naturally present the news with great excitement, expecting our older child to feel the same way, but take time to look at this through a child’s eyes. Think about how you might feel if your husband came home saying “Honey, I have some very exciting news for you. I love you so much, and I know you get lonely sometimes, so I’ve decided to have another wife to keep you company! ” That is called perspective taking. So, when you are expecting your second or third child, strive to nurture strong sibling relationships with thoughtful parenting. For sibling success, read my full, syndicated article, Prepare your child for a new baby.

Take time from your busy schedule to play a little every day. Child focused play sends an unspoken message that your child is important and worthy of your time. That in turn, builds self confidence and self esteem in your child. Child focused play periods in one day will decrease temper tantrums and misbehavior. Build sibling bonds as you include everyone in the fun. Play activities need not be complicated or lengthy. You can play while sitting on the couch or folding laundry. Just turn off the TV and play a little every day. Read my full syndicated article “Don’t underestimate the power of play” to find simple games to enhance motor development, language, math and science skills, and build self esteem.

Some children are viewed as just plain difficult. They may refuse to wear certain clothes, hate to take baths, hit for no apparent reason, crash into things with a high tolerance for pain, have difficulty transitioning or intolerance to crowds or large family gatherings.  Parenting a “difficult child” can be embarassing as well as frustrating, and as frustrations build, temper tantrums can escillate. Children generally don’t misbehave without cause, so look carefully for underlying distress. If your child does show signs of distress with any of our 5 senses, take a closer look to see what his triggers are. Children who hit for no apparent reason can be sensory seeking, just needing to hit something or someone, so provide pressure and sensory input experiences throughout the day by playing drums on the table, jumping or hopping, or finding treasure in a washtub filled with rice. When hiding treasure (crayons, coins, matchbox cars, etc), be aware of item size and choking hazards, as safety always comes first! Digging through a dishpan of rice or beans to find hidden treasure is a calming, soothing activity which can be offered several times throughout each day. Read my syndicated article to learn about other triggers and remediations for temper tantrums in Understanding a child with Sensory Processing Disorder.

Planting a garden with a child can be quite a memorable experience, and gardening  provides man teaching opportunities which will nurture your little learner. Introduce math and science skills by measuring soil, counting seeds, and using a magnifying glass when digging in the dirt. Fine and large motor muscles are put to work as your child picks up, plants and pats down tiny seeds or starter plants. Ignite some giggles and excitement while enhancing sibling relations by providing each child a clay pot to decorate before planting their favorite vegetables in their very own pots. The benefits continue as your child’s self esteem soars as he takes ownership to his very own little vegetable patch, and then harvests the fruits of his labor! Read the full article, “With children, how does your garden grow?” for suggestions of great children’s gardening books to read, and fun crafts to incorporate as you get out and grow.

I had the pleasure of speaking with published author and licensed family therapist, Helene Rothschild, who wrote the poem, As I Grow.  Her words thoughtfully remind parents that they are raising a beautiful little individual who needs to be heard, understood, respected and taught. She writes through the heart of a child, asking the parent to answer questions briefly and clearly. She asks for attention through compliments and time together. She emphasizes that curiosity and interest need to be nurtured to develop self confidence, and build a successful, fulfilling life. Raising a child can be very demanding with a full  schedule of Dr. appointments, teacher conferences, soccer practice, meals to prepare, homework to complete, and tears to wipe. Sometimes those demands  don’t leave much time or energy for the real things which matter, such as nurturing your child’s spirit, or his creative individuality.  Helene’s words remind us that everything matters, so to take the time to give your child everything he needs, as he grows. Read more in my article “Words of wisdom to remember each day“.

It’s easier than you think to get your child to help around the house. Build a Helping Hands Jar for your child to choose a job a day to learn small tasks and take responsibility. Even your preschooler is old enough to help with small jobs, and helping will build his self esteem. When a child helps out he feels more a part of the family, and he learns skills needed for everyday life. Watch my you tube video Helping Hands Jar on Your Perfect Child channel and read my syndicated article “Get your children to help around the house”.

It’s often difficult to remain calm in the midst of a toddler’s storm. However, it is totally possible to redirect, or even teach your child when tempers are surging. Try one simple technique of breathing which is calming, and forcing deep breaths. The next time you feel frustrated, need to gain control, or address a misbehavior, take the time to smell the roses. Bring your fingers to your nose, as if holding a bouquet of rose buds, and breathe in, very deeply.  Now, as if holding a lit candle in your left palm, blow it out, long and slow, exhaling everything. Even a young child can learn how to self-regulate, as he watches you take control by taking time to smell the roses! There are several other, very effective breathing, self-regulating techniques which children love to practice in the car or before bed. Take time to teach your child one technique each week, and within just over a month, you can prompt him to “fill up like a balloon”, “become a pretzel”, “drain out all the water (and stress!)”, and more. Children of all ages will be successful with these fun yoga positions and medatative breathing, while learning to calm down, self-regulate, and de-stress. Have fun together while you learn, relax and breathe deeply. Read the full article, “Control your temper, then teach your child”.

It is helpful for your child recognize that, at one time or another, we all become frustrated, angry, disappointed or hurt. Children need to learn to put names to their feelings, so they can express themselves with words, rather than act out of emotion. Young children do not know how to identify what they are feeling when they are ready to explode before a tantrum. Teach outside of the event, and post a Feelings Faces board to help your child learn about his feelings and emotions. Recognize different attitudes and feelings throughout the day by moving a personalized magnet onto different faces which identify a variety of feelings. Those who learn to identify their feelings and express themselves through words are more successful, with higher self-confidence than those who act upon their emotions. Set your child up for success as a good communicator, and spend time each day identifying emotions with a Feelings faces board. Read my full, syndicated article, Identifying feelings is important for all in the family.

Thumb sucking is a tough habit to break. The longer a child sucks his thumb, the more difficult it is for him to stop. Thumb sucking is associated with security and can often help a child self regulate or relax. Typically children break the habit between two and four years old, but there are things you can do to help an older child break the habit. It is not helpful to nag or punish a thumb sucker, however, providing information and self empowerment can often lead to a turning point. Take your child to a pediatric dentist or, a visual tour to the web “the damages of thumb sucking” so he can see how his mouth and teeth may look if he continues thumb sucking. Find helpful products on www.Thubmbuddytolove.com which your child may be willing to try. This site is a winner of the PTPA Award, as well a the Mom’s Choice Award, and offers time tested, parent proven products for those who are ready to help their child break a difficult habit . Always remember to provide intentional, positive support, always recognizing every effort made by your child, whenever he is working to break a difficult habit. Read the full syndicated article “Child sucking his thumb? Break the habit”.

Has your child ever embarrassed you in public, with either words or actions? Does it feel as though he chooses to humiliate you, especially when others are around? Inappropriate behaviors which are not clearly addressed at home may accelerate in public, because children learn that what is tolerated at home will certainly be overlooked in public, to avoid a public tantrum.  I received a letter asking for help from a mom of a 7 year-old, with what mom referred to as a “bratty attitude”. Her daughter has stopped listening to her, is rude, and actually mimics her in public, shaking her finger, while repeating her mother’s exact words.  Her mom thought it was a phase, which began about a year ago. Now, it is typical, everyday behavior, which is intolerable.  I suggested six simple suggestions with details on how to implement each one. I suggested she learn how to 1. Teach outside of the event. 2. Continually recognize all positive behaviors. 3. Don’t ask. 4. Don’t yell. 5. Don’t dance. 6. Designate time together.  Read details of how to eliminate rude, disrespectful behavior in my syndicated column, Take your child from rude to respectful.