We all have our moments ó times when we find ourselves with egg on our face through no fault of our own (we think), and times when weíre so darn clever we just canít stand it.


We all have our moments ó times when we find ourselves with egg on our face through no fault of our own (we think), and times when weíre so darn clever we just canít stand it.

Some of us do this better than others, and I suppose weíd like to do away with the lows and keep the highs, but life isnít like that.

High or low, itís all part of the package that we call being human.

Me?

Iím smarter than some, and Iím dumber than some ó and I can prove it.

Take for example the time I tripped over my own shoelace.

Everybody does that sooner or later, right?

Not the way I did it.

I hadnít noticed it was untied, but stepped on the stray end with the other foot and then tried to take a step.

I took a step, all right ó four or five of them, each one faster than the last one, and all off-balance as I stepped faster and faster, trying to keep up with myself, and then wound up sprawling full length in the aisle ó in church ó at my brotherís wedding!

And I was supposed to be filling the role of best man!

It took a while for the ceremony to continue, since not even the preacher could keep a straight face, but Iíve managed to live it down, with no repeat performances ó not in church, anyway.

Another good example took place just the other day at home, and it happened because I simply forget where I was.

Wanting to check the windshield washer fluid in my car, I flipped the hood, and found that I neednít have bothered, as it was full.

Then, moving to the other side, I forgot the hood, which promptly reminded me with a four inch gash inflicted in my bare scalp by a sharp corner.

When I explained this to my barber, he pointed out that I should have used what he referred to as the ďstickĒ (the hood prop), which didnít help at all, as I pointed out that I am taller than the Ďstickí!

It also didnít help matters much when I mentioned that I usually wear a cap in these situations, and he heaped it on by quietly mentioning ďItís a little late to be thinking of that!Ē

(As you have by now gathered, I donít get much respect from my barber ó probably because I expect a discount on haircuts, since my haircuts are less work. Fat chance!)

But I donít let these things get me down.

Instead, I think of the time I was watching the very first ďDo You Want To Be A Millionaire?Ē program.

I got every question right ó at least half of them faster than the contestant did ó and when he arrived at the million dollar question, he missed it, and I didnít!

Didnít make any difference though. Neither of us got the million.

I guess you had to be there.

But I felt good about it anyway.

Still on the positive side, I have a couple of incidents to my credit when I pulled off a spectacular coup or two at work, saving the company big bucks by finding a faster and cheaper way to do the same thing, or, on another job, getting there Ďfastest with the mostestí, making the company look far better than the competition.

(Itís nice to hear about it from the boss, but it feels pretty darned satisfying deep down inside, too.)

Still, fair is fair. You have to balance these things out, and when you tally up the flops against the successes, you have to hope that you come out on the positive side, and, unless my memory is playing tricks on me or coming up with some convenient gaps, I think Iíve done fairly well.

More recently, Iíve done pretty well on the latest quiz show, showing on at least seven occasions that I most definitely am ďSmarter Than a Fifth Grader.Ē

And I donít know whether or not to brag about it!

On the other hand, I didnít know how many people signed the Declaration of Independence, so maybe Iím not.

All things considered, I guess the goal here is to try and keep yourself on an even keel and not get carried away with your own klutziness or your own brilliance, and with that in mind, Iíd like to pass along my very own foolproof method of regaining my equilibrium which works quite well ó and it doesnít even require the help of my barber to bring me back to reality.

I try to make my computer do want I want it to ó and I have to admit this brings me back down to earth every time.

Oh, well.

Letís see what tomorrow brings.

Mike Morton writes each Wednesday for the Kansan. He can be reached at m4r4f4m4@hotmail.com. Mikeís new book, ďOn The Loose Collection, Volume One,Ē is on sale in Newton at the Kansan, 121 W. Sixth St.; Andersonís Book and Office Supply, 627 N. Main St.; and Morse Studio, 715 N. Plum St.